At First

I didn't leave at first. Last day of school, and I didn't leave yet. My best friend had just thrown himself in front of a train and before my mind snapped, it just shut off. I packed a bag and called a friend to get me out of there. Had my first beer that night. I couch surfed in town with friend after friend. I didn't go back for weeks, but when I did, I spent July to November in a blur, locked away in my room, sleeping and playing mindless, button-mashing video games. I left the comfort of my blankets to pee once, maybe twice a day, and go to work twice a week. Leaving in those first weeks was like when you're at a party, and you go outside for a breath of fresh air, and realize you don't want to be there, and that you don't have to go back in... I could finally breathe. But I had to hold my breath for just a little while longer.

My boss rescued me on Thanksgiving. I took some key items, a bag of clothes, as many books as I could carry, and my grandmother's accordion, which I was never allowed to play. She let me stay on her couch for two months before her lease went up and we got a place together. I worked at the bookstore full-time until the holidays were good and over. Then I switched to working a couple jobs as a checkout girl and waiting tables. And then switched back to the bookstore again. Biked everywhere, and I was at my thinnest. It was great. I was very happy. And then the lease went up. The bookstore closed down. And my roommate found love across the country. I had a very difficult time debating on whether or not to abandon everything to make sure nothing important abandoned me and hop into the van with her. But for some reason or another, I decided to stay. Not the best decision, but not the worst.

I packed up my car, gave away furniture, or put it in storage. And I hit the road in search of the next best thing. But where to go? It wasn't the first time I had everything pulled out from under me, but this is the first time I had a life of my own to fuck up in one fell swoop.

Someone hit reset.